everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
vagina is talking i cant
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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