It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
