Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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