Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Let's paint friendship bongs
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
