woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize