It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
