Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
