I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
