i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
