remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
