just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
