if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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