Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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