I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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