the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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