I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
