i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize