I can text with my tongue
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
