Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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