Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
