It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
