I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
