I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize