my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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