I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
