What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need a beard to bite.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
