I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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