Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
