Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
