Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
