Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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