My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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