i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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