Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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