Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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