Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
MIDGETS
????
Two words: blizzard sex
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
