dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
