well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
