I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
how drunk are you?
Several
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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