I wish I could punch you in the face.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
