What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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