that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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