I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
