i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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