I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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