Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
