I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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