I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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