just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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