i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
