"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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