yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
