The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
