call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
