my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
