remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
