Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
