I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
