trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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