I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
