Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
