we're blogging at a bar
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
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