I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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