Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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