We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
